Corporate lessons

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to drop
that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look
at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent
avoidable exposure!

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he
stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in
and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove
his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said," Go forth and
seek; further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the machine." I just need one copy."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a
French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the
bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out
of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will
give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you
shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will
come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The
Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
shouted, "SH**!!!!!!!………"

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.

Little girl and her mom

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother
"How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their
age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's
another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are
grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did
you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject
that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and
her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is
sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report
card, it tells you everything."

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says,
"Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Her mommy is
very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do
that?"

The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh.
You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where
did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and
daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"

Three guys in a casino with their wives

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in
Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they
returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around during
their break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since
we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11′ all
night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy said, "I know what you mean! My old lady played
blackjack the whole time we were there and now she slaps the bed all
night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard,' and I haven't had a
wink of sleep either!"

The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady
played the slots the whole time we were there. Now, every morning, I
wake up with a sore penis and a butt full of quarters!"

Lady having face-lift and trying to hide age

A woman decides to have a face-lift, for her birthday. She spends
$5000, and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and asks the counter
girl, the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good, about herself. She stops in a
drugstore, on her way down the street. She! goes up to the counter, to
get some mints, and asks the clerk, this burning question. The clerk
responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but
thank you."

While waiting, for the bus to go home, she asks an old man, waiting
next to her, the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78, and my eye
sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way, to
tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you,
to let me, put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY
how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street, until curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He
slips both of his hands, under her blouse, and under her bra, and
begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and
weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her
breasts together, and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and
says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That
was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you
won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Wife one-month overdue

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around
his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going
to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we
can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from BESC (Bombay
Electric Supply Company) because the electricity bill has not been
paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ?"

"Yes…… speaking"

BESC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the BESC guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files …… HOW ?????"

"Yes …………. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"

"GOD !!!!!!……… this is too much………."

"Madam, I am sorry…… I am following orders…. I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ……. let me talk to my husband about this tonight. …. he
will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to BESC office the next day morning. "What's going on?
You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is
that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at BESC, "it's
nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Adult questions & answers

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Husband contacting wife after death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. After many years, the husband was
the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact with his wife
in a dream. "Mary…Mary…" he called. "Is that you, Fred?" she asked.
"Yes," he said. "I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?"
Mary asked. "Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have
breakfast. I run around the golf course. I have sex. I bathe in the
sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the
golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf
course again, and sex again," he said. "Oh Fred, you surely must be in
heaven!" Mary exclaimed. "Not exactly," Fred said. "I'm a rabbit on a
golf course in Arizona."

Two nuns and blind man

On a hot summer day, two nuns—both young and beautiful—are working in
the church library putting away books. After working feverishly to get
the job done, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I can't
take this heat anymore! Do you think it would be OK if we removed our
shirts to cool off while we worked?" The second nun, feeling the heat
herself, decides that it would be OK. She locks the door and closes
the curtains. The two nuns take off their shirts and keep working.
Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" asks the first
nun. "It's the blind man," says the voice behind the door. "Well, a
blind man can't see our nakedness. We can let him in," the other nun
says. They open the door. "Wow," says the blind man, "nice tits! I
gotta run back to the truck. Where do you want me to set these
blinds?"

Dating etiquttes

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the
students, one by one, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to
the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you
Sam, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to
say the word bathroom at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to
use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."

Bhola and karate

Bhola as you know, is a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he
walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and
they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Bhola decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a
different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this
wouldn't happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend
himself. So, one day, on the
way home from work Bhola took his old route home and sure enough
there they were. He
walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon Bhola went to his karate class with a black eye, a
broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what
happened.

"Well," explained Bhola, "I took my old way home last night so I could
beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up
before I could get my shoes and socks off!"

Doctor helping couples in sexual joy

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. Santa & his wife came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Banta that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Banta's and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Banta the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

Banta pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Santa, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . . "

Sexual harassment

A woman went to the police station and complained that she is being sexually harrassed by her colleague. The policeman asked "What does he do?". The lady replied "Everyday morning he comes to me and says 'your hair smells good today'!". The policeman was confused "Ok madam… but how can you call this sexual harrassment?". The woman said "He is 3 feet tall!"

Kiss my Ass

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"

"So his friend said whats the hurry? You still got 15 mins."

Sexual urges of Venus and Mars

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either… but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Bus driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull. ''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Shining patent leather shoes

Boudreaux went to the store and bought him a nicest pair of shining patent leather shoes. After seeing how mirror looking they were, he decided to go to the dance. He asked one lady to dance. He then tells her, "You are wearing red panties." She asks how does he know? He looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks another lady to dance. He says, "You are wearing blue panties." She asks how does he know this? He then looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks Clotilde to dance. He looks at his patent leather shoes about five times. He asks Clotilde if she is wearing any panties.. She replies, "No" He says, "Thank God, I thought my patent leather shoes were cracked."

Chicken farmer and a lady in a bar

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Little girl and a Bird

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, "What's under there?"

So the man answers, "A bird."

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain.

A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"

The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.

She answers, "I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!!