How Hell froze over

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was
waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let
him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground.
Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay
man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious.
"If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me,
we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay
man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but
decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he
bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control
jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to
hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine
inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire,
no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of
blankets freezing his ass of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Sex For the Deaf

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn
off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language,
natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the
wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex
with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't
want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull
on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my
penis......fifty times"

Dead Cow & The Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was
lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how
could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke
to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if
you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your
parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a
row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best
(seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she
drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened,
and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me
fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in
a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty
times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a
row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

What Happiness!

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape
recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag
wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under
the newlywed's bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and
heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's
happiness!" But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they
were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were
surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a
penis?!"

Twice a day!

This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta
help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.

"That's not so much," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary,
TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute,
TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to
learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"

The nun and the cabby

One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby
suddenly started to laugh insanely.

"Why are you laughing?" Asked the nun.
"Oh, It's nothing." said the cabby.
"No, really." said the nun "I won't mind."

So the Cabby told her:
"Well, It's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a
blow job done by a nun."

"Well then, whats your name?" The nun asked
"Robert"
"Are you married?"
"No."
"Are you christian?"
"Yes."
"Then Pull into the next alley."

The cabby was stunned. but he didn't want to give up this chance so he
pulled into the next alley. When they were finished, they returned to
the cab.

While driving, the cabby started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the nun
"I'm sorry, I've lied."
"How so?"
"Well, My name is David, I have a wife and three children, and I'm Jewish."

"Well, I've done a bit of lying too..." smiled the nun "My name is
George and I'm going to a costume party."

Radio Game

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM
stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three
personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same
three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an
overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter:(and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian,
now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other
line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three
questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a
trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway..
just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence

Love Potion

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are
coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would
you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be hell
of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty
bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce
of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night.
Let me know about it."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to
work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there
waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so
early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle
reliever).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says,
"Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too
sensitive."

The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm. "
Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well. . . I drank the whole bottle of your potion. "
Pharmacist says, "And. . ."

Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"