New Husband

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage Friday came. After the marriage came Friday. They went to the Mikva. They went to the mikveh. Then home to prepare to light the candles. Then home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it’sa mitzvah to have sex.” The butcher lean over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikveh and before lighting candles I have, it'sa mitzvah to have sex."

So they did. So they did. She lit the candles. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.” I read over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did. So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbir. When they awoke he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it’sa mitzvah to have sex.” So they did. When they awoke to her he said, "My grandmother said that before you go to the Synagogue it'sa mitzvah to have sex." So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says after praying it’sa mitzvah to have sex.” After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it'sa mitzvah to have sex."

So they did. So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, “So how is the new husband?” On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?"

She replies, “Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family.” She replies, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Lady on vacation in the Caribbean

A lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean alone Wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?” Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"

“I can’t tell you!” the black man says. "I can not tell you!" The black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, I can not tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?” On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

“I can’t because you will make fun of me!” the black man says. "I can not because you will make fun of me!" The black man says.

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

“Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.” And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, “It’s my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!” The lady replied, "It's my husband that will not believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"

Multiple Twins

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, “Lets’ see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. She said, "Lets' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re fourteen… ” And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen ... "

“Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins EVERY time?” "Hold on!" Said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothing.” The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we did not get nothing."

God rewarding Joe and Bob

Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.

God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, “I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly everything I double reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes.” I am now happy to grant you your fondest wishes 5.

Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Joe, after thinking it over, he had wished to erect 50 room mansion on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, a 50 room mansion appeared. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe’s mansion appeared on top of the western mountain. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.

Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elata. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe Bob informed that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.

Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe’s mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob’s mansion appeared 20 different cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.

Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, “Women… we need women!” Next, Joe Bob prompted about The 4th Wish, "Women ... we need women!"

Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world’s sexiest, most beautiful women. Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his wish 4th as 50 of the world's sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe’s mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob’s mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe. At the same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.

Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, “Go, Man! Both men were very happy and Bob DANCED around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy…this is our lucky day!…Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much…Wish, Man, Wish!” Oh, Lordy ... this is our lucky day! ... Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much ... Wish, Man, Wish! "

Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, “Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!” Thinking over the situation, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"

Husband running out naked

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies, Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! The woman, sort of Bewildered, jumped up from the bed and the man at yelle 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!' That must be my husband! "

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car. He Smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!' A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamer at the woman 'I am your husband, you slut! "

The woman yelled back, "Yeah??? Then why were you running.... you Son of a Bitch !!" The woman yelle back, "Yeah? Then why were you running .... you Son of a Bitch!"

And that folks.... And that folks .... that is how the fight started. that is how the fight started.

Husband taking revenge on wife

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."

Sleeping with landlord

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbour.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did… though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Tarzan undressed and animals started laughing

Once Tarzan undressed and all animals started laughing. Tarzan asked them whats wrong?
They all replied in unison, we've seen an animal witha a tail in the front for the first time.

Husband 300 percent impotent

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300 percent impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100 percent you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

What does a woman want?

Question. What does a woman want?

Answer. A woman wants -
Penetration - of a horse
Duration - of a dog and
Repetition - of a bird.

Exhibitionist exposing on an airplane

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Boy catching father and lady naked in bedroom

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

Guy in whorehouse wanting to eat out a girl

dThis guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"

Four guys and one girl on an island

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies. The first month went by and it was really awful, second month was really bad, third month was almost unbearable, fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn't handle it anymore so they buried her.

Guy having a sexual problem

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Italian French and Aussie guy talking about sex

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the fucking roof. GO THE AUSSIES

Teacher playing name that animal in class

A teacher playing a game of name that animal with her class.
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

Three priests and sexy woman

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
They took the bus.

My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is is hanging out of your pajamas?"

Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Three sisters at home with their hubbies

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Couple having sex in the middle of a dark forest

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Three nuns were talking

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

Guy wanting to fuck beautiful woman

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

Lady asked to undress by doctor

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

New bride went to her doctor for a check up

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up.

Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis."

The new bride then asks "What's that reddish-purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis.

The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

Man smelling daughters boyfriends fingers

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

Seven nude guys were standing naked

Seven nude guys were standing naked by the roadside with erect dicks.
A woman: Are you advertising for condoms?
Guys: Naah! This is an ad for for 7 Up.

What is the difference between panties of 70s and 90s

Que. What is the difference between panties of 70s and panties of 90s?

Ans. The panties of 70s had to be separated to see the bums, and in 90s, the bums had to be separated to see the panties.

Why are married women heavier than single women

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Boy puzzled goes to mother

A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son, "but why are you so curious, Broken Rubber?"

Wife buying expensive imported panties

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.

"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

Losing temper with people

Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress, and I keep losing my temper with people, and insulting them... You have to help me, doc!"

The doctor says, "All right. Well, let's see... Can you begin by telling me about your problem?"

Replies Morris, "I just did, you no good, son-of-a-bitch!"

Selling Viagra over the counter

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

The Defendant

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"

Man - I Am Glad I Am A Man

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days

Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin
Man, I'm glad I'm a man!

Tattoo on dick

A man goes to a tattoo artist and says: "I'd like you to tattoo a one-hundred dollar bill onto my dick."

The tattoo artist is surprised: "Well, that could hurt a lot. Why would you want a 100 dollar bill on your dick?"

The man answers, "Three reasons:
I like to watch my money grow
I like to play with my money
And next time my wife wants to blow a-hundred bucks she won't have to leave the house!"

Woman with eight children

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, "Johnnie".
"Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn`t that terribly complicated?"
"Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed."
"I see. But what if you want only one of them?"
"No problem." she answers. Then I call them by their surnames."

Showtime

Que: Wat's the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty?

ANS: When U pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT'S SHOWTIME!

Whats the dumbest part on a mans body

Q. What is the dumbest part on a man's body?

A. The penis. It has a head with no brain, it hangs out with two nuts and it lives around the corner from an asshole!

Chicken and horse at a meadow

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'No, I think I can stand over the hole'. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, 'grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up'. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Guy getting castrated

A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."
"What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that."
"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

"Oh, I was circumsized," the man said.
"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"

Chicken and horse at a meadow

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'No, I think I can stand over the hole'. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, 'grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up'. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Joke ( 18 +)

  A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet
and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If
my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a
hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so
he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the
nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so
wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered
breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and
get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you
always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope......... just when it's raining".