Elderly women going to doctor

Yet another awesome joke from our contributing editor CJ:

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years… but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would give her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy and secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked, "How will you know when the baby was born?"

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write `Spaghetti` on the back.

He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey, you received a very strange post card today," she said.

"Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meat balls, one without.

The Honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother. "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…" Suddenly she bust out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language, things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home… PLEASE MAMA!"

"Honey," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me what he said. What could be so awful. What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you mama," wept the daughter." I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing the bride said, "Oh mama… words like: DUST, WASH, IRON, and COOK."

Mother in Law

A woman had 3 girls. One day she decides to test her sons-in-law. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lakeshore, purposely falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in and saves her.

The next morning, he finds a brand new Toyota car in his driveway with this message on the windshield…

"Thank you!
Your mother-in-law who loves you!

A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law. He jumps in the water and saves her also. She offers him a new Honda car with the same message on the windshield…

Thank you!
Your mother-in-law who loves you!

A few days later, she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law. While she is drowning, the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks:

"Finaly! It's about time that this old witch dies!

The next morning, he receives a brand new Ferrari car with this message…

THANK YOU!
Your father-in-law.