Going to Jesus

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came Home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

Etiquette class

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher asks her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute; I'm going for a pee."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

Then Billy responds: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner". The teacher passed out.

Classroom talks

Dialogues from a standard 3 class room (between two students Tom the smart and Johnny the genius & the teacher)
Tom: Teacher, teacher; is the bus is male or female?
Teacher: Hmm… (Thinks…)
Johnny: It's female
Tom: But y Johnny?
Johnny: B-coz everybody enters in it.
Teacher is in trouble while Tom in doubt hearing this answer.
Tom: If bus is female and everybody enters in then y bus do not get pregnant?
Johnny: B-coz all enters from back door.
Teacher is now in deep trouble while Tom becomes more curious.
Tom insists: But driver and the checker enter from front door?
Johnny: You didn't notice ever!! They wear hat before entering.

The Preacher's Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

30 erections left

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.

He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.

He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"

He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and I'm afraid you're name isn't on it."