Dirty jokes

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born."

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?"

"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"

"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.

"Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian?"

"Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.

"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

Fascinate

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The King

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

An open letter from a Most Yeligible Bachellar from Bangoluru

Madam:

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bangaloru. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay.

Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking
tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours C.S.V.L.T.Rao

Indian Mom

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner…..who lives with a girl room mate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate that met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found
the chutney jar by now under the pillow…
Love, Mom.

Desi Time

An American lady is window shopping in Delhi. Suddenly she realizes she is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees a small shop on the roadside, goes to the shop and asks in very American accent to the shopkeeper.....
What's the time??

The shopkeeper is a very patriotic man and hates foreigners and their English accent while speaking.. So he replies back in the same accent........
Bra-panties!!

Confused the lady asks again.........
No! No! What's the time??

The shopkeeper again answers back..........
Bra-panties!! Bra-panties!!

Seeing the confusion going between the two another passerby comes to the rescue of the lady and says.......
Arre bhai, aap samjh nahin rahe ho!! Woh aapko time puuch rahii hai!!

The angry shopkeeper shots back at him.........
Toh main bhi to unko time hee bata rahan hun barah panthis(12:35)

"Revenge"

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a
string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of
a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little
boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want
to have sex with one of the women inside. I have
the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to
come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the
girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have
any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He
   said, "I heard all the men talking about having to
get shots after making love with Annie . THAT'S
the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the
money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to
the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging
the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did
you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if
you must know, tonight when I get home, my
parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,
leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with
me because she just happens to be very fond
of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back,
Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,
he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch
the disease. Then when Dad gets home from
the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed
and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the
Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie
with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S
the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!!!"

ADULT : "Chicken Farming"

A woman walks into her accountant's office
and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll
need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security 
number, etc. and then asks, "What is your
occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a wh*re."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no.
That will never work. That is much too crass. 
Let's try to rephrase that. "

The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman
states, "I'm a chicken farmer." 

The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with
being a wh*re or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

A Fireman

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the heck is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Seeing bubble in bathtub

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro…

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."

This continues…and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you…"

Most beautiful girl of the class:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

Asian man in currency exchange center

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"